I've moved.

dialout.tumblr.com


Not making it overly public. Mostly a photo-reblog-blog dealing with sex, music, life, love, and as I like to call it ... "The Deep End".

If you have a half-a-shit or two in mind to check it out, feel free to do so, otherwise, peace out.

I may return to this at some point for any obnoxiously long post I decide to make that I know nobody will ever read save for a few fortunates, but, unfortunately, the tumblr community and its contents are rather addicting and overly inspiring.


Thanks for the run.

Fuck this blog.

Unfortunately, my heart still hurts like hell.

I miss you, us, so fucking much.


Goodnight.

So much I miss .. so many questions ...



I think it gets worse each time I walk out your door.

So much I want to say and do ...

I hate every moment of this nonsense without you.

I miss you ...


I miss watching you fall asleep in my arms.

I miss waking up to you.

Apparently this has just become a place for drunk blogging and emotional annihilation.

There needs to be an "auto-lock" for my mind and a suit of armor for my heart.

I'm no good at this shit.

I just want you in my life, simple as that ...




Literal goodnight.

*******

"To think of that heart and that soul and that body in the eyes and arms of another is utter mental chaos. From every minor to major perfection, every flaw; I saw it all. Every little purity; Every inch of you. Every motion of your body and expression of your face, I noted it all. I remembered it all. I drew it. I viewed every side of your personality and your body and your soul more intimately than I could ever begin to describe. I just wish to wake up and see it all another day and relish in the idea that I see and feel what no-one else could possibly begin to imagine."


I could keep writing all this shit that's running through my head, but it will get me nowhere. It never has. I continue to relentlessly assault my status updates because I have no other way of thinking, no other way of dealing. None of it will help. I can't get my head around the idea of potential permanent loss of something that I was so adamant on keeping for as long as humanly possible. I keep telling myself I'll get that phone call to come over and stay the night and wake up like nothing had ever happened.

I hate every minute of this.

I hate every minute I write down more of this bullshit.

I want to delete it all.

I hate how childish and empty I feel; how weak this has made me.

But here it is--still going, still out in the open.

All I can think to ask is, "Why?"


I miss your skin.

I miss your smell, the one you "never had".

The way the corner of your lips curled when you smiled.

Your laugh, especially at its most obnoxious points.

How you'd wake up in the middle of the night and put your arm around me and kiss my back, waking me for that simple, mindless fucking second of silent, post-dream perfection.

How big and endlessly beautiful your eyes are.

Every goddamn detail.


I put 100%+ energy into every day that I spent with you, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

None of this helps. I know that.

People and your friends can laugh at and judge the way I'm dealing with this, how fucking hard this hurts, how hard I loved you, how much I miss you. But for all I care, if that's the way it is, then whatever, fuck it. Fuck them. I'm not looking from sympathy from anyone. Especially people who can't even give me the time of day any given day of the year, let alone back off when they may or may not have decided to trod on something they shouldn't have.

But I can't help myself.

I have the mentality that I can always salvage things.
Save things. Save people. Fix everything.
Make everything okay in the end, and I feel utterly helpless and useless.
Maybe I think that you'll open your eyes. Maybe not now. Soon, perhaps.
Somewhere down the road, I hope.


I don't want to find myself without you in my life. I always thought that would be a part of growing together, living each day on our own but together at the same time.

I'm sorry I don't have the, "Ah, fuck it," attitude like everyone else in this city seems to have.

Apparently I think too much. Maybe I love too much. I don't know.

I feel sick to my stomach.


Goodnight.

Void.

This will be my last blog entry for a very long time. Most likely, I will be starting a new blog somewhere else. But for now. This is it.

[Edit: I have removed the entire 5 pages until I decide it appropriate to post, so I will leave you with this.]

I'm sorry, for anything.

I'm sorry for this.

But I'm not sorry for who I am, what I gave to you, and what I did for you.

I saw you in a light like no other could ever imagine.

I love you.

I will always love you, you beautiful, fantastic girl.

I hate this blog and all the bullshit I find myself writing about these days.



What ever happened to enjoying the little things, and not giving a fuck? What ever happened to just sitting down and speaking your mind?

"Expendable," is not a good way to refer to one's self, and yet that's how I feel right now.

People in this city need to wise the fuck up.

Attack In Black - Marriage

"If it's mine to give it's gone
lost or left somewhere along
the way and forgive my honesty
but you can have all I'll never be

one day machines will quit
and the ones like me who don't see fit
to play a part will move along
with no pity for the deadest ones

and everyone with a soul will fall in love
buildings bend and punchclocks rust
for everyone in the dust who can't recall
smokestacks choke and billboards fall
a painting hung on every wall

can I be this miserable?
will it count to be this careful?
and if everyone's this sad and cold
please pass the fucking pill

I've seen everything to see
and I can't breathe around such company
if it only proves my frailty
I denounce humanity."

You know how funny it sounds, after the years I've been reading and wanting to write fantasy fiction, to re-read the names and scenarios I've created in my mind?

Hilarious.

Ridiculous.

And why? Because every time I spill my heart about something so passionate to my lifestyle, there is at least one person smirking because of how stupid it sounds.

We all have our vices.

We all have our fantasies and our inspirations.

For once, I want to sit down with someone, and tell them the books I've read and the ideas I have in my head, the character names, the dragon species, the villages, the castle towns, everything. I want to sit down with someone and have them say to me; "Work with that, you've got some imagination going there and I admire it."

Not,

"Oh yeah, that sounds cool. No I'm not laughing at you don't worry, it's just funny, and different."

Fuck off.

Do I laugh about your fantasy baseball league? No.

Do I laugh about your fantasy to create obnoxious fashion accessories and gowns? No.

Do I laugh when you tell me you apply obscure amounts of makeup to people who sit in front of a camera for 5 hours a day, modeling for pictures of horrendous nature? No.

Do I laugh when you TAKE those pictures? No!

Why? Because art is art and whatever you do is inspirational to yourself. If you take photographs that look horrendous but in reality have severe QUALITY? There is no questioning that.

I may have looked at work in my life and laughed but in the back of my head I know the person is doing, or at least trying to do/thinking of doing, what is in their heart.

Why should I open up about the shit that makes my life interesting when people sit there and smirk like I'm a child.


Fraudulent personalities are what I SHOULD be writing about, in some epic, over-dramatic manner, because that's all I ever tend to see these days. People who don't know themselves, and act too hard in pretending that they DO know themselves. Fake people. Self absorbed people. People who would rather donate money to a pet-rock foundation.

Fuck I am angry right now.

And if I had an emerald green drake to ride through the city igniting its contents in a blaze of fury, I would do so.

Here's a thought...

I should write a book based on the experience of Technology vs. Nature, or rather Nature in every day experiences dealing with Life.

Being a bit of a tech savvy person myself, to some extent or another, I think it would be pretty easy to pinpoint various aspects of technological advancement over the years that has so far, in our present day, begun the rapid and [quite honestly] unfortunate deterioration of various social and .... I want to say economical relationships. Obviously there are things that have gained some benefit over the years, so it'd probably be focused primarily on social relationships.

We all use computers, internet [now wi-fi, wireless], cell phones, bluetooth, satellite, blah blah. I love them all myself--though personally I'm beginning to hate the use of cellphones--so it would be interesting to hear myself talk and write about ways that things I and we use every day, for numerous hours a day, have affected specific aspects of life that ... way back in the fucking day, were resolved and acted out through other means.



An example; cell phones and bed. Whether it be going to sleep, or waking up; it's always being checked.

What ever happened to sleeping under the stars and waking up without worry of missed messages or bullshit about random things that have no effect on your life whatsoever, at least for that day?