Curious Destiny

I was reluctant to post this at first due to the security problems that websites such as these have, and in fear of my own work being compromised, but at this point I don't give a shit and just want to put it out there and see if I get a response.

I know my own work, if people decide to take from it or use it for their own purposes, such as writing, especially for a job or an assignment, you fail at what you are doing and will never achieve anything if you decide to continue stealing the work of others. Bitter start to an epic blog, the likes of which I haven't written in years. Be prepared for a long read, and keep an open and level mind while reading it. It is not meant to be negative, nor bitter, in any regards, nor am I trying to bash myself in any way. It is merely a discussion of the ideas presented, take it or leave it as you will.

Thoughts are appreciated, and I understand if you choose not to agree with anything said.

With that out of the way, enjoy:





Let's talk destiny.

It is often said, or believed, rather, that every human being has a destiny. A "fate" of sorts, in the sense that they/we will experience a single--or multiple--event[s] in life, which in time, gradually build or lead up to the sole purpose in which they are in existence. "A reason to live", is sort of an overstatement and a pretty dramatic way of looking at it, but in an odd way it makes sense when considering the various circumstances of peoples' lives. It's not necessarily a reason to live, as in they had no reason to live before discovering said destiny, but rather, the reason they are alive. Religiously one would probably describe it as "the path God meant for them to follow" [or some such description], but in reality, it is simply the path we pave for ourselves. At least in my mind, that is only the sugar coating. There are always questions to be answered, and there will always be the game of "What if?", whether people like to acknowledge it as something beneficial to dwell on or simply a waste of time. I can't imagine living without looking back or moving forward and asking that question, it's who I am, I always strive to know more, whether I like the answers I find [if any], or not.

I am not religious, at least not that I know of yet. I have never been given a reason to turn to religion nor do I foresee any reason in my near or distant future. At times I find it hard to not think about religious ideals when considering the lack of reasoning I have behind much of humanity's [and my own] enterprise. We all live, and we all--most of us--get to a point where we begin to ask questions in relation to our goals, careers and future lives in general, that cannot be explained or answered in any form beyond mere thought. We think, and thus we expect, or deny. By this I mean that our futures are governed by the choices we make and the chances we take, before and leading up to any particular time in said future. No rhyme intended.

Some people would think of destiny and simply acknowledge it as the culmination or peak period of your life. If you get a steady career, marry, form a family, generally your "destiny" in said scenario would be to succeed at that career so as to support said marriage and any potential family to further develop. Understandable, but basic reason.

As we grow and learn and come of age, we accept that the general course of life is to go to school in order to learn. This progresses to further [optional] schooling [all schooling is essentially "optional"], which then progresses to potential career opportunities. In the course of all of this, we accept and understand that at some point we may love and marry and form a family. It's how humanity in general has and will always progress; it is the basic path of life, and those who stray from such a basic path, in my opinion, are those who are either too blind to acknowledge life's possibilities and flourish in them, or simply those who think and expect more than the norm.

Some people choose not to pursue school.
Some people choose not to marry.
Some people even choose not to work.
Some people choose not to indulge in social experiences at all.
Why?

Obviously there are basic and proven reasons. Think outside the box though, and consider what any one of these categorized people might think about through the course of their life. Maybe some people just enjoy being alone, for various reasons [probably in relation to distaste for current society, as an example]? Some people might believe that successful careers can be obtained without proper schooling, simply through self-learning; through their own life experiences. These examples are all, in essence, related to destiny. The intriguing part to me is that many people don't sit and think about ideas like neglecting school and social activities as personal destinies. It just is what it is. They are free to choose how to live their lives, and do so accordingly.

The way I think of destiny, is somewhat similar to your typical fantasy fiction destiny, in the sense that you live your life, perhaps always questioning but never knowing what your possible destiny might be, or perhaps not even considering it at all, until one day it hits you in the face and you are forced to accept it.

Man could live his life in a complete bubble, never asking too many questions that stray far from the path of basic reality. He grows, goes to school, decides he wants to become a lawyer, moves out on his own, marries, buys a house, builds a family, works to support, and lives his life as such. To him, that is his chosen path in life; the accumulation of certain events and base choices culminating into one sole, and steady lifestyle.

To give you an opposing, yet prime, media-related example of the above, think of The Matrix. True, it's sci-fi and is an obscure example to most, but the point is relevant and can be related to life as we know it: You work, you play, you live life as any other person, and one day you wake up and find out you're apparently meant to save the world. Thus the question, "What if?", but this question is only relevant if you are consciously aware that your current position in life may not be what it should be. Sometimes you may not even get the chance to ask, and you just realize the truth.

This is what I think about, day to day, in my journey to discover what I am meant to do with my life. And that, my friends, is the basic point of this entry.

I have my ideas for further education and potential careers. I shy away at the thought of marriage and family because I'm too young to believe the possibilities of such steps in life. I work, I play, and I think, but I never do. Chance does not come easily for me, given that most chances taken are flipped over and projected back at me in a negative manner, thus creating apprehension and the neglect to try and take such a chance again.

Why?

I've had my own ideals and beliefs for as long as I can remember, but as soon as it comes down to getting into the groove of reality and working towards my career and future, I falter and take a step back. What if it's the wrong choice? What if I choose a path, and stick to it, but ultimately regret it in the end? What if I'm meant to do something I, in all my thinking, have never thought of?

This is my mind, day to day, pessimistic it may be, but true.

I always, always, try and look at other points in life that may interest me, or paths that I may take.

I love. I am good at loving. I often love too much! But love is a potential destiny, and one that many don't think of in a global aspect. It's symbolic, in relation to destiny, only in the sense that we are "destined" to find love in life, which may or may not lead to a greater love [marriage], and an even greater love [family]. I ask you this then, as I revert to the pessimistic, if love is to life as marriage is to destiny, then why the constant failure and unending attempts at finding such love, and leading one, single, successful marriage? Why jump in with two feet and regret it 1, 2, 5, 15 years later? Love, to an extent, is a destiny all its own. Obviously one too many will disagree with that, and one too many will say that we are destined to love not once, but many times. Perfectly acceptable responses as well, but if constant varieties of love lead to consecutive, ended marriages, then you either settle at a certain age and deal, or marry until brought to a point where you grow tired of doing so, and thus grow and die unmarried, breaking the general consensus that marriage is a part of basic, human destiny.

So, my point in regards to love, is merely the question of, "What if?". What if, I am meant to love. I do not mean this in the sense that I should marry more than once or love more than once. I have loved more than once, and at this young age, many would say I have experienced nothing. I simply mean; what if my heart and my mind are meant for a greater good, a powerful emotion that I always feel I give greater than I receive?

This leads me to ask the question of how love relates to career. You cannot simply love, and profit, it doesn't make sense. There is no career based solely on the purpose of loving. Give me as many examples as you want, but there is not a single career or job based on the fundamental foundation of Love as the sole requirement for duty. You weave it in and around your career, such as those who fight famine and poverty but care nothing for themselves in the process, so long as they provide for those who need it. Selfless. A just cause, and one worthy of deep respect, but they don't get paid to love, they get paid to provide, to shelter, to assist, to maintain that which already has a crumbling foundation.

So what of love and destiny?
What of skill?
There is no one job for the entirety of all skill, you are simply skillful in what you do and what you choose and enjoy to do [you may in fact be skillful at something you do not enjoy]. This leads me to ask about talent, the same as skill, but on an emotional level.
What of talent?
The same applies, however, there is a fine line between skill and talent, and that is passion. Both may come naturally, but talent is generally progressed through passion. Fuel for the fire. There is no single job simply for "The Talented". You are talented at what you do, and skillful with those talents, but you generally choose to progress with talents you are most passionate about.

So enters my next idea:

I find myself talented at many things, but not as well as I could be because I've lost what passion I had thought I found. I draw, paint, play music, write, read; explore thought and mind; I love, I debate, I create; I am good at all these things, and more, to an extent but never good enough for my own respect. There is always more to be done--room for improvement--with each respected talent, but I am too caught up in my passions for each that I do nothing with all. There is one single factor that remains evident above everything, and that is emotion.

I.
Convey.
Emotion.

I convey emotion, and I do it regularly. I love doing it, but at the same time I often find it uncontrollable. Not only that, but if I'm not conveying emotion, I'm thinking it, constantly. Many may refer to me as a very physically emotionless person, but if they really knew and understood me, they would deny that thought outright.

I always expect the better of others before the better of myself. A daunting task, and one that proves to be mentally and physically draining and ultimately leads to the simple idea that, one must look out for himself and only himself [speaking generally, of course]. I've never been able to get my head around that idea. It's basic. It makes sense. I've never been able to do it. At some point, as I previously stated; I falter, and take a step back.

Everything I am truly passionate about in life involves emotion and more often then not it involves love--the solidification of all emotion.

I could pursue a career in any of my general, passion-filled interests, yet when it comes down to it, I want to do them all, and all at the same time [that's what she said]. It is not feasibly possible in my eyes to do all of the things I want to do, unless spread out over a long period of time, which could potentially jade and hinder the discovery of my true destiny, if there is, in fact, a destiny to discover.
...


At this point it's late and I'm at a loss for further content beyond the question of what am I to do now?

I know in basic realism I am, currently, forcing myself out of an unstable workplace environment, to pursue potentially bigger and better jobs. This is a basic path of life.

I know I am currently in love with one of the most amazing human beings I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. The world is full of wonderful people, both male and female, unfortunately in my experience I have been left with few. Purity is rare these days, both in self, in friendship and intimate relations. All of this is also, essentially, a basic path of life, however one harder to discover.

I also know that I must, apparently, discover an unknown path to wander down for school and further education, in order to start building any potential career possibilities.

Three basic paths, three essential parts of life, and only one deserves the passion it receives and the credit to be acknowledged as destiny in its own right. At the same time, that passion could be swept away and forced to the back of my heart to enter reality at its own leisurely time, as with all passions in my life. It could end, and thus the concept of destiny in my mind shattered.

So I'm left with my emotions.

Emotion, the foundation of all life and experience; how to envision it as destiny? How to pursue emotion as destiny, without smothering it with a plethora of candidates for a future life? How to be sure which ideals are right and wrong, and does it really matter? Is chance essentially governed by emotion and, in that regard, is destiny purely related to chance? Or is there a set path, pre-paved for each of us, that will be discovered in time by those who seek it, and adapt at our own convenience?

To sum up the bull; I realize that at some point I will be forced to take a chance and make a decision, on one thing or another. As far as I'm concerned, and for as long as I willingly seek to know more, I will never fully flourish at that which I am talented at. For for every one talent, there will always be questions in my mind in relation to another talent; for every single life experience, there will be moments in life that just barely got by me; hidden sub-destinies yet to be discovered. The "What if's?".

This is an issue I need to work on getting myself in control of, or out of.

If I get myself out of it, then I potentially lose the foundation of my own mind. A set mechanism, built and engineered over years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds of thought.

This, in truth, is the price of curiosity and the need for constant pursuit of knowledge.

Thus, who am I? How does one rebuild a mind, let alone their own?






Dial Out: by Jamie Christie and all works presented within Dial Out: are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Canada License.